This really struck a chord with me, because I've had so many of these same thoughts and worries, and I've felt so frustrated with myself. I tend to have imposter syndrome, and feel like I'm never truly qualified enough or experienced enough for anything, even if I'm praised for my ability to do it. Everything that I've accomplished feels like a fluke, and it's scary to imagine having a go of it in the future because it just seems like there are so many things that can go wrong.
I totally relate to that idea of, "what will I possibly tell people about where I am in school?" How long I've been here, and what I've accomplished, versus what people would have expected me to accomplish by now. I was always a great student and I felt like there were a lot of high expectations for me, from my parents, teachers, and whoever else. I completely burned out when I reached college, and never fully recovered. I couldn't decide on a major or career path; I quite literally had enough credits at the end of my undergrad to have graduated at least twice over. But then I never got over that final hump of starting a career, and it always seemed so remote and not possible.
In a way, I feel like my drifting in life is kind of like your desire to write professionally. It's like, you feel like you could or even should be able to do it, or at least to try harder to get there. Part-time jobs just aren't fulfilling, and after a while, it's like, what am I doing here? I need to focus on my future. Been there too. I'm actually in the middle of that now.
So now I have a master's degree in history that I've never applied after 6 years. I had originally planned to go on to my PhD and do research and teach, but the longer I'm away from that academic life, and the more I feel like my brain gets kinda scrambled by life and that I'm almost a different person now than I was in school, the less likely it seems that I'll ever accomplish that.
Anyway, I graduated from high school in 2000, finally got a Bachelor's in 2013, and my Master's in 2016. I currently work part-time stocking groceries at Meijer. I'm a stay-at-home dad of two kids, mostly, and I love them, but I never can pick a lane. I don't want part-time, low-paid work to define me. I feel like I can't pursue the career I had imagined. I've thought about just quitting work in general and embracing being a true full-time parent, but that somehow doesn't seem right either. My mind is too scattered to focus on much of anything. I've had depression for a long time now, and that keeps getting in my way.
So I get what you said when you wrote that you kinda keep repeating the same loop until something breaks you out of it. I noticed you said that something (external) will have to break you out of it; maybe you feel like you just don't trust that you'll ever do it yourself. That's where I am, too. And I'm also aware that it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. But in the meantime, I'll keep avoiding people I knew from one of my "previous lives" doing what I used to do, because I feel so embarrassed with not having accomplished enough with my life at my age.
Anyway. Sorry. This was a very, very long post from a stranger. But I just felt the urge to write something so maybe you'd know that a lot of what you said really resonated with me, and that you're not in that boat alone. And hey, both of us have a lot of life left (you, undoubtedly, a little bit more than me.) Thanks for indulging me.
Thank you for sharing this. This resonated with me. A lot.
I was aimless throughout school. I switched majors often enough to earn dual degrees in undergrad and then thought it’d be a good idea to move to Buffalo and get an MBA. Once I finished and finally needed to find a “real job”, I floundered. Confidence was something I lacked, mainly because I couldn’t stop comparing myself to others.
I also loved to write (still do, but sports journalism was something I did all religiously throughout college). For several years, part of me held out for that Everybody Loves Raymond-style of living that is perceived to come with a sportswriter’s salary. That has nothing to do with my point here though.
It kills me to suggest it, but have you considered moving to a larger metro area? One that will maybe allow you to “taste” a little bit more?
I consider Buffalo a second home. It is one of my favorite places on earth and I visit annually. But I moved to the SF Bay Area about two years after finishing grad school because I just could not see it happening for me in WNY.
I did not have a job waiting for me out west. Or a place to live. Or any connections actually. Once I got there, I found someone looking a roommate on Craigslist and a job through a temp agency that I held until a more attractive position came along. Then just kept progressing little by little.
An area of that size and with such culture introduces you to a lot new things and people. It helped me to “find myself” when I was a little bit lost and identify which open door is the right one to walk through.
Again, I’m not here to dump on Buffalo (I still really want to move back one day) and I apologize for giving unsolicited advice. But I thought it’s worth throwing out here.
This really struck a chord with me, because I've had so many of these same thoughts and worries, and I've felt so frustrated with myself. I tend to have imposter syndrome, and feel like I'm never truly qualified enough or experienced enough for anything, even if I'm praised for my ability to do it. Everything that I've accomplished feels like a fluke, and it's scary to imagine having a go of it in the future because it just seems like there are so many things that can go wrong.
I totally relate to that idea of, "what will I possibly tell people about where I am in school?" How long I've been here, and what I've accomplished, versus what people would have expected me to accomplish by now. I was always a great student and I felt like there were a lot of high expectations for me, from my parents, teachers, and whoever else. I completely burned out when I reached college, and never fully recovered. I couldn't decide on a major or career path; I quite literally had enough credits at the end of my undergrad to have graduated at least twice over. But then I never got over that final hump of starting a career, and it always seemed so remote and not possible.
In a way, I feel like my drifting in life is kind of like your desire to write professionally. It's like, you feel like you could or even should be able to do it, or at least to try harder to get there. Part-time jobs just aren't fulfilling, and after a while, it's like, what am I doing here? I need to focus on my future. Been there too. I'm actually in the middle of that now.
So now I have a master's degree in history that I've never applied after 6 years. I had originally planned to go on to my PhD and do research and teach, but the longer I'm away from that academic life, and the more I feel like my brain gets kinda scrambled by life and that I'm almost a different person now than I was in school, the less likely it seems that I'll ever accomplish that.
Anyway, I graduated from high school in 2000, finally got a Bachelor's in 2013, and my Master's in 2016. I currently work part-time stocking groceries at Meijer. I'm a stay-at-home dad of two kids, mostly, and I love them, but I never can pick a lane. I don't want part-time, low-paid work to define me. I feel like I can't pursue the career I had imagined. I've thought about just quitting work in general and embracing being a true full-time parent, but that somehow doesn't seem right either. My mind is too scattered to focus on much of anything. I've had depression for a long time now, and that keeps getting in my way.
So I get what you said when you wrote that you kinda keep repeating the same loop until something breaks you out of it. I noticed you said that something (external) will have to break you out of it; maybe you feel like you just don't trust that you'll ever do it yourself. That's where I am, too. And I'm also aware that it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. But in the meantime, I'll keep avoiding people I knew from one of my "previous lives" doing what I used to do, because I feel so embarrassed with not having accomplished enough with my life at my age.
Anyway. Sorry. This was a very, very long post from a stranger. But I just felt the urge to write something so maybe you'd know that a lot of what you said really resonated with me, and that you're not in that boat alone. And hey, both of us have a lot of life left (you, undoubtedly, a little bit more than me.) Thanks for indulging me.
Thank you for sharing this. This resonated with me. A lot.
I was aimless throughout school. I switched majors often enough to earn dual degrees in undergrad and then thought it’d be a good idea to move to Buffalo and get an MBA. Once I finished and finally needed to find a “real job”, I floundered. Confidence was something I lacked, mainly because I couldn’t stop comparing myself to others.
I also loved to write (still do, but sports journalism was something I did all religiously throughout college). For several years, part of me held out for that Everybody Loves Raymond-style of living that is perceived to come with a sportswriter’s salary. That has nothing to do with my point here though.
It kills me to suggest it, but have you considered moving to a larger metro area? One that will maybe allow you to “taste” a little bit more?
I consider Buffalo a second home. It is one of my favorite places on earth and I visit annually. But I moved to the SF Bay Area about two years after finishing grad school because I just could not see it happening for me in WNY.
I did not have a job waiting for me out west. Or a place to live. Or any connections actually. Once I got there, I found someone looking a roommate on Craigslist and a job through a temp agency that I held until a more attractive position came along. Then just kept progressing little by little.
An area of that size and with such culture introduces you to a lot new things and people. It helped me to “find myself” when I was a little bit lost and identify which open door is the right one to walk through.
Again, I’m not here to dump on Buffalo (I still really want to move back one day) and I apologize for giving unsolicited advice. But I thought it’s worth throwing out here.